The Great Undivorced

2017 marks my fifth year in that awkward married-but-not-quite state.  After all this time, one might think I have fully recovered but truth be told, no, I have not. I still pause whenever I sign forms demanding for status. There is still that split second rattle when someone asks me about my husband or if new acquaintances inquire about my relationship.  Until now, I still can’t decide on what church group to join because clearly, I am not “qualified” to participate in singles group nor in couples group.  Hence, I always kid my mentor that our church should have “It’s Complicated” group that should include people like me – tied by vows but separated emotionally.

On a good day, I manage to make fun of my situation – smile then forget about it.  There are times when it just hit me. Hard.  Like when I needed to talk to a psychiatrist to discuss about evaluation tests that would support my legal case to nullify my marriage and was told that I would have to carry the burden of being the “psychologically incapacitated” spouse who could not perform her marital duties. I know it was an issue of pride but more than that, it stole my peace and brought so much confusion to me.  It raised questions like, “Do I really need to go through all the trouble when I am already the victim here?” and “Am I doing the right thing? Is this really what I wanted?”.

My two versions of truth. I filed for annulment because my husband and I have both moved on.  He now has a family of his own and I… Well, I am focused on progressing my career which took a backseat when I got married.  I need to have that certain level of comfort knowing that I and my family will benefit from the fruits of my hard work (not that it’s a lot).  The same way my husband, for sure, wants to protect his new family in case of sudden death.  For short, I aim for clear separation of assets that can only be achieved by annulment.  Nullifying my marriage likewise prepares me for a potential second marriage.  Admittedly, I welcome the idea of starting over again.  The possibility of raising my kids and not growing old alone are very refreshing thoughts for me.  I deserve it, right? Because I was not the one who messed up and went against our marriage vows.

However, nullifying my marriage contradicts my faith that strongly believe that what God has put together, no man can separate and that second marriage is acceptable if and only my spouse passes away.  It is both sad and infuriating that I need to honor my marriage while my husband continues on with his philandering ways, without having to look back.  Worse, I get this odd accusations of being stuck in the past just because I am not too willing to be in a relationship.  And yes, there are times when I imagine myself in an empty room – old, dying and unnoticed – then I feel fear which would eventually lead to tears.  And all I could do is to submit in prayer with hopes that my Creator who is ever faithful would fulfill His promises to me even if this world has failed me.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future”  Jeremiah 29:11